108 One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny

jokes.txt

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off!
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Money talks: mine always says goodbye.
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I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
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You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” — in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left.
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Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
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I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance.
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Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
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Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
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Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
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Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
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Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
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Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
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I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
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R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
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My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
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What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
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The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
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At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
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I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
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I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
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Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… And yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
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Did Noah include termites on the ark?
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The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
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My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
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I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
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The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
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I refused to believe father, the road worker, was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.
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I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust.
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PMS jokes are not funny — period!
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Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.
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I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.
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Women should not have children after 35 — 35 children are enough!
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t
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Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it at a remote location.
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: I just couldn’t concentrate.
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My math teacher called me average — it’s so mean!
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“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
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I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
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I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day — that’s a bit of a stretch.
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Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before they open their mouth.
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“It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
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I don’t have a boyfriend, but I do know a guy who would be really mad to hear that.
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“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
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When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
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“I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
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“Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” – Stewart Francis
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“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno
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“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
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“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
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“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
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Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button.
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It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
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“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
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I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
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The person who invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
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The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
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For a while, Houdini would use a trap door in every single one of his show – I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.
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I hope there’s no pop quiz at the class trip to the Coca Cola factory.
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If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
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I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
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Give me the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk.
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A baseball walks into a bar —  the bartender throws it out.
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I doubt, therefore I might be.
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I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
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I had an “hour glass” figure, but then the sand shifted.
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When everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane.
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Animal testing is a terrible idea — they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” — Matt Kirshen
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“Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine
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“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” —Will Marsh
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“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts
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“A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it” —Ross Smith
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“I failed math so many times at school I can’t even count.” — Stewart Francis
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“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?'” — Peter Kay
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“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis
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“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” — Joel Dommett
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“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard
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“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
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I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask — “are you an item?”
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I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.
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“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” — Greg Davies
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“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward
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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin
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My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
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I, for one, like Roman numerals.
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When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
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Any married person should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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“People tell me I’m condescending…” (Leans in real close) “That means I talk down to people. “
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“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he is too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal
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“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld
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“Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.” — Joan Rivers